Ways to protect yourself
Am I in an Unhealthy Relationship?
Yes, you may be in an unhealthy relationship if . . .
- You are afraid of your partner’s temper
- You often agree with your partner because you are afraid of your partner’s anger when his or her feelings get hurt
- You have the urge to rescue your partner when your partner is frequently in trouble
- You find yourself apologizing for your partner’s behavior
- You have been hit, kicked, shoved or had things thrown at you by your partner when he or she was jealous or angry
- You make plans and decisions about activities and friends according to what your partner wants or how your partner will react
- You drink heavily or use drugs
- You have been abused or seen one of your parents abused
- Your partner treats you badly or embarrasses you in front of others
- You agree to have sex, even if you don’t want to
Am I making my relationship unhealthy for my partner?
Yes, you may be putting your partner in an unhealthy situation if . . .
- You are very jealous
- You sulk silently when upset
- You have an explosive temper
- You criticize and put your partner down frequently
- You have difficulty expressing your feelings
- You drink heavily or use drugs
- You are overly protective of your partner to the point of controlling
- You want to control your partner’s behavior, friends and decisions
- You have broken things, thrown things at your partner, hit, shoved, or kicked your partner when angry
- You were physically or emotionally abused as a child
- You have a parent who abused the other parent
When you know someone who is being battered
- Offer to learn what resources are available on campus and in the community so that your friend can begin to find the help and support s/he needs.
- Focus your concerns on your friend’s safety. Be honest about your view of the relationship. Make it clear you are willing to help if and when s/he leaves the relationship.
- Point out that it is the person who is doing the battering who is 100% responsible for his/her violent behavior.
- Even though alcohol is often present when relationship violence occurs, it is not the underlying cause of the problem. Focus on the behavior, not on the excuses made for the behavior.
- Allow the person who is being battered to choose the leaving time very carefully.
- If your friend returns to the relationship, ask him/her to pay attention to whether the behavior has really changed enough to make it worth another try.
Why do they go back?
Why do they stay?
- They stay because they hope and believe that things will change. Battered relationships usually experience a period of calm after a period of violence. This calm time can be very pleasant and lull people into believing that the violence was only a temporary show of force that will not be repeated.
- They stay because they believe there is no place or no one else to turn to. Their self-esteem allows them to see only roadblocks and loneliness.
- They stay because they believe what they are told. The person who is being battered is hearing only negative messages from the batterer. They are told that they are worthless and ugly. No other messages are allowed to get in.
- They stay because they feel it is their duty to stay. They may believe that if they are just “good” enough, the batterer will behave differently. To admit that they cannot change the batterer feels like defeat.
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