{"id":172002,"date":"2016-07-20T15:37:45","date_gmt":"2016-07-20T19:37:45","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.rochester.edu\/newscenter\/?p=172002"},"modified":"2016-10-13T14:25:15","modified_gmt":"2016-10-13T18:25:15","slug":"come-baby-relight-fire","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.rochester.edu\/newscenter\/come-baby-relight-fire\/","title":{"rendered":"Come on baby, (re)light my fire"},"content":{"rendered":"

Many couples find that their sexual desire has dwindled over time. It\u2019s not unusual for partners who could not keep their hands off each to gradually lose interest. But new research indicates that there are ways that couples can sustain\u2014or relight\u2014their passion.<\/p>\n

\u201cOur research shows that partners who are responsive to each other outside the bedroom are able to maintain their sexual desire,\u201d says Gurit Birnbaum, psychology professor at the Interdisciplinary Center (IDC) Herzliya<\/a>, in Israel. Birnbaum and her coauthors also found that women’s desire is more strongly affected by their partner’s responsiveness than men’s desire\u2014although men report a boost, as well.<\/p>\n

\u201cResponsiveness\u2014which is a type of intimacy\u2014is so important in a relationship because it signals that one is really concerned with the welfare of the other, but in a way that is truly open and informed about what the other cares about and wants,\u201d says Birnbaum. Responsive partners are willing to invest resources in the relationship, and show understanding at a deep level. They make the relationship feel special\u2014that their relationship is unique\u2014which is, at least in Western societies, what people seek from their romantic relationships.<\/p>\n

Resolving the intimacy-desire paradox<\/strong><\/p>\n

In a study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology<\/em><\/a>, Birnbaum and coauthor Harry Reis, professor of psychology<\/a> at the University of Rochester, report that their new study was, in part, prompted by a concept psychologists know as the \u201cintimacy-desire paradox.\u201d<\/p>\n

The core of the paradox lies in the contradiction between intimate and familiar relationships that many people strive for, and the limitations of such bonds for facilitating desire. Some scholars have argued that long-term intimacy may actually inhibit rather than increase sexual desire. For example, the need for security may clash with the sense of novelty and uncertainty that can often fuel desire.<\/p>\n

But previous research has not provided conclusive evidence for whether increased sense of intimacy actually promotes or undermines sexual desire.<\/p>\n

And Birnbaum and Reis\u2019s new study suggests that, under certain circumstances, there may not be a paradox.<\/p>\n

Valued and desirable<\/strong><\/p>\n

What determines whether intimacy prompts or inhibits desire is not its mere existence, but its meaning in the larger context of a relationship, they argue. Responsiveness is most likely to encourage desire. That\u2019s because it conveys the impression that the partner is worth pursuing and thus engaging in sex with such a desirable partner is likely to promote an already valuable relationship.<\/p>\n

As part of the study, the researchers conducted three experiments, one of which consisted of 100 couples who kept a diary for six weeks. Both partners reported on their own level of sexual desire each day as well as their perceptions of their partner\u2019s responsiveness. They also reported their own levels of feeling special and perceptions of their partner\u2019s mate value.<\/p>\n

The results indicated that when men and women perceive their partners as responsive, they feel special and think of their partner as a valuable mate, which boosted sexual desirability.<\/p>\n

Birnbaum notes that partner responsiveness had a significantly stronger effect on women’s perceptions of themselves and others, suggesting that women experienced higher levels of desire for their responsive partner because they were more likely than men to feel special and value their partner as a result of the partner\u2019s responsiveness.<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2018Being nice\u2019 and things like that are not necessarily based on who the partner is and what the partner really wants,\u201d Birnbaum says. \u201cWhen a mate is truly responsive, the relationship feels special and unique and he or she is perceived as valued and desirable.<\/p>\n

\u201cSexual desire thrives on increasing intimacy and being responsive is one of the best ways to instill this elusive sensation over time; better than any pyrotechnic sex,\u201d Birnbaum says.<\/p>\n

Researchers from Cornell Tech and Bar-Ilan University contributed to the study. The Israel Science Foundation and the Binational Science Foundation provided research funding.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

New research indicates that there are ways that couples can sustain\u2014or relight\u2014their passion. 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