With his extensive knowledge\u2014based on 45 years of research\u2014the coauthor of the scholarly paper \u201cLove: What is it, why does it matter, and how does it operate?\u201d<\/a> shares his science-backed advice on how to find\u2014and keep\u2014love.<\/p>\n In February 2023, Reis appeared on Scientific American\u2019s Science, Quickly<\/em> podcast to discuss how romance affects our well-being.<\/p>\n NPR\u2019s Shankar Vedantam, host of Hidden Brain<\/em>, interviewed Reis in 2022 on what else\u2014besides love\u2014makes relationships thrive.<\/p>\n Dating apps or sites are not necessarily better equipped at introducing you to higher-quality candidates than meeting someone in public or through your social circles, says Reis. But they do give you a lot more options. Where else would you be able to meet two or three dozen people a week?<\/p>\n By now, the apps have largely given up on formulating algorithms that claim to match perfect couples. Instead, they offer dating options based on factors such as location, interests, life goals, and more, expanding the \u201cfield of eligibles,\u201d<\/strong> as Reis calls it.<\/p>\n \u201cIf I were single, I would definitely be using those sites,\u201d he says.<\/p>\n According to a recent report<\/a> by the Pew Research Center, online dating is much more common among younger generations, with 53 percent of adults under 30 saying they have used dating sites or apps. One in five adults under 30 say they met their current spouse or partner on a dating site or app, as do about a quarter of partnered lesbian, gay, or bisexual adults.<\/p>\n Are marriages that result from online dating any better than other marriages? Reis doubts it, since studies point<\/a> in both directions<\/a>. The bigger issue, according to him, is that the research isn\u2019t properly designed to answer this question in the first place. In addition, emerging and changing technologies for dating\u2014virtual reality dating, for example\u2014are outpacing research on the subject.<\/p>\n Reis\u2019s main takeaway in the current age of digital dating? \u201cYou have to kiss a lot of frogs to find a prince,\u201d he says. \u201cAnd that\u2019s fine.\u201d<\/p>\n First, take some of the information in online profiles with a grain of salt<\/strong>, says Reis, who has studied the effectiveness of online dating<\/a>. \u201cWomen, on average, claim to be a few years younger, and men say they\u2019re a few inches taller,\u201d he says, but these are just averages\u2014they don\u2019t mean that everyone is dissembling.<\/p>\n That aside\u2014don\u2019t reject candidates out of hand just because they don\u2019t seem to share your interests, Reis and coauthors write in their critical analysis of online dating<\/a>. Instead, weed out only those who are clear no\u2019s from the get-go\u2014those who live thousands of miles away, or simply live on the wrong side of your core values. Then, connect with as many possible partners and go on as many dates as you can, advises Reis. Make some semi-random choices and see where that takes you. Don\u2019t make assumptions about the person simply based on what they claim in their online profile; rather, pick up the phone and find out what they\u2019re like firsthand.<\/p>\n Keep in mind, too, that similarities matter to an extent but are far from a guarantee for happy relationships<\/strong>. In fact, connecting with someone who has different interests from your own can be a way of growing\u2014something that psychologists explain via the self-expansion model<\/a>. Instead of looking for a person who likes baseball as much as you do, try being open to something new. \u201cIf somebody loves ballet, and you don’t know much about ballet and have never tried going to a performance, that could turn out to be really interesting,\u201d offers Reis.<\/p>\n But the biggest mistake in online dating? Putting too much emphasis on appearances.<\/p>\n Of course, attractiveness matters<\/a>\u2014that\u2019s true whether meeting online or in person. But most people use looks as the main criterion when making choices online<\/strong> about whom they want to get to know better, thereby weeding out possible good matches by mistake<\/strong>.<\/p>\n The other thing people get wrong, according to Reis, is processing the information about another person in a superficial way, without really giving much thought to what the other might be like and might be interested in.<\/p>\n In short: slow down when swiping<\/strong>. Take time to read, think, feel.<\/p>\n \u201cRomantic chemistry is certainly elusive,\u201d says Reis, who recently published a paper<\/a> on interpersonal chemistry. \u201cBut it\u2019s an exaggeration to claim it\u2019s either there or not, based on a few minutes of interaction.\u201d<\/p>\n Instead, chemistry is about forging a connection, a feeling of being on the same wavelength with another person. If someone opens up about what they find interesting and what\u2019s important to them\u2014and if the potential partner responds in a way that shows true listening\u2014then a back-and-forth ensues.<\/p>\n \u201cThe feeling that the other person just \u2018gets us\u2019 is really emerging chemistry,\u201d<\/strong> says Reis. That feeling, by the way, can be similar to what happens at the start of new (non-romantic) friendships.<\/p>\n More often than not, romantic chemistry emerges relatively quickly\u2014although not necessarily instantly. Yet plenty of people go on first dates after connecting on a dating app, only to decide hastily that \u201cwe have no chemistry.\u201d While there\u2019s no magic number of minimum hours or dates to aim for, Reis recommends avoiding snap judgments<\/strong>.<\/p>\n Occasionally, chemistry between two people emerges much later. Some relationships can and do change, with a sense of connection turning a friendship into a romance. \u201cBe on the lookout, but don\u2019t expect magic to arrive out of thin air,\u201d says Reis.<\/p>\n Keep your expectations grounded. Perfection is the enemy of good. If you want a partner for life, pay less attention to looks and don\u2019t expect the impossible, advises Reis.<\/p>\n In the 1950s, he says, people frequently found their partner in their own neighborhood, or in their religious or social groups. But in today\u2019s digitally connected world, people tend to have higher expectations for potential partners. \u201cIt\u2019s been called the \u2018suffocation model of relationships\u2019<\/a> by researchers, in that we want the other person to be our sexual partners, our best friends, our confidants, our coparents, and our financial partners. We want them to be everything to us. And that\u2019s an awfully high expectation for us humans to live up to.<\/strong>\u201d<\/p>\n During one of Reis\u2019s studies, a participant told him that they knew exactly what they wanted their future partner to be. And if the participant couldn\u2019t find someone who was 100 percent like that, they\u2019d rather be single.<\/p>\n In some ways, online dating has contributed to the false idea of finding a perfect match by serving up a seemingly endless supply of options. \u201cI don\u2019t think that 100 percent person exists for anybody,\u201d Reis says. \u201cIf you are holding out for perfection, you may very well find yourself priced out of the market.\u201d<\/strong><\/p>\n Meanwhile, dating during the pandemic has created additional challenges. Seven in ten Americans, who were single and looking for a partner, said their dating lives weren\u2019t going well, according to a 2022 Pew Research Center survey<\/a>.<\/p>\n You\u2019ve found your partner for life (or, at least, for now). How do you make sure mutual love endures? What makes couples stay together\u2014for months, years, decades, or forever\u2014and remain happy and fulfilled? Plenty has been written on the topic in books, magazines, blogs, and other outlets. But what does the research say?<\/p>\n One of the critical factors, according to Reis, is the ability to resolve disagreements in a cooperative and supportive way without creating further hurts<\/strong>. It\u2019s \u201ca huge one\u201d that\u2019s been shown in just about every study that\u2019s been done on the topic.<\/p>\n Another important strategy is to share positive events<\/a> with your partner<\/strong>. Reis has studied both the intrapersonal and interpersonal benefits<\/a>\u2014that is, the advantages for both the \u201csharer\u201d and the partner\u2014of communicating positive experiences and letting your partner know that you are excited for them. So, why does this strategy work? Because we all like when good things happen to us\u2014such as getting a promotion at work, passing a big test, setting a personal best in bowling or at a 5K race\u2014and we want to share that experience with our partners.<\/p>\n In a set of experiments<\/a>, Reis found that when people talked about personal positive events with others, they felt even happier, beyond simply the uplifting effect of the event itself. And when a partner responded enthusiastically to the sharing of the other\u2019s good news, the relationship fared better with increased well-being for both partners, greater intimacy, and higher daily marital satisfaction.<\/p>\n Research shows<\/a> that another seemingly trivial, yet nonetheless effective, way of building connections with a partner is having the \u201chow was your day\u201d conversation<\/strong>, where partners listen to one another, ask questions, allow for elaboration, and show empathy or enthusiasm.<\/p>\n \u201cThe point is that you\u2019re really listening to your partner, that you\u2019re really engaging,\u201d says Reis. \u201cIt\u2019s not so much about the issue of the conversation as it is about the engagement, the sense of making time for each other, and connecting in those moments.\u201d<\/p>\n When people first start dating, connecting happens naturally and frequently. As time goes on\u2014and especially once couples are married or have been living together for a while\u2014it\u2019s easy to lose that attentiveness in the daily humdrum of work, household responsibilities\u2014and for some\u2014the raising of children. But it\u2019s these little things that make a big difference, says Reis, and that contribute to feeling understood<\/a> by your partner.<\/p>\n While spouses (or partners) don\u2019t have to be clones of each other or do everything together, they need to be on the same page about where they want their lives to go. Part of that means enjoying some degree of shared recreation<\/strong>. \u201cIf you\u2019re always doing things separately, you\u2019re not building connections,\u201d Reis points out.<\/p>\n There\u2019s important research<\/a> on so-called \u201cnovel\u201d and \u201carousing activities,\u201d which has shown that couples do well when they are taking up a new hobby together. It typically should be something that\u2019s a bit more active, says Reis, like learning to ski, taking cooking lessons, or trying dance classes together\u2014something that introduces an element of novelty for both participants.<\/p>\n Particularly in this COVID era, many couples feel their lives have become stagnant. \u201cThe same thing every night: they have dinner and then they watch Netflix. That can get awfully tiresome,\u201d says Reis.<\/p>\n Doing new things together that are fun and interesting can help keep a marriage or a partnership vital.<\/strong> \u201cEven something as mundane as going to the movies together and then talking about it,\u201d says Reis, pointing to research<\/a> by his Rochester colleague Ronald Rogge<\/a>, which shows that couples who watched romantic comedies together and talked about them afterward reduced their risk of divorce.<\/p>\n Even as social psychologists and others continue to learn more about the intricacies of human love and intimacy, it\u2019s important to remember that research in this area is ongoing\u2014and increasingly reflective of changing norms and practices, from virtual reality dating to ethical non-monogamy.<\/p>\nOnline dating versus traditional dating: which is better?<\/strong><\/h3>\n
Rochester voices in the news<\/strong><\/h3>\n
\n
\n
Getting the most out of online dating sites and apps<\/strong><\/h3>\n
![\"Illustration](\"https:\/\/www.rochester.edu\/newscenter\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/fea-online-dating-digital-hearts.jpg\")
The myths (and realities) of romantic chemistry<\/strong><\/h3>\n
Avoiding today\u2019s \u2018suffocation model\u2019 of American relationships<\/strong><\/h3>\n
Small tweaks for big improvements to romantic relationships<\/strong><\/h3>\n
![\"Two](\"https:\/\/www.rochester.edu\/newscenter\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/02\/fea-relationship-science-finding-love.jpg\")
The importance of shared hobbies<\/strong><\/h3>\n
The evolving nature\u2014and science\u2014of love<\/strong><\/h3>\n
![\"close-up](\"https:\/\/www.rochester.edu\/newscenter\/wp-content\/uploads\/2018\/12\/fea-sex-relationships-study.jpg\")
Cut to the chase: Can sex help start a relationship?<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n![\"In](\"https:\/\/www.rochester.edu\/newscenter\/wp-content\/uploads\/2020\/05\/fea-playing-hard-to-get.jpg\")
Why \u2018playing hard to get\u2019 may actually work<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n![\"From](\"https:\/\/www.rochester.edu\/newscenter\/wp-content\/uploads\/2023\/01\/fea-reduce-temptation-to-cheat-on-partner.jpg\")
Reducing the temptation to cheat in relationships<\/strong><\/a><\/p>\n