{"id":693962,"date":"2026-02-11T17:22:09","date_gmt":"2026-02-11T22:22:09","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.rochester.edu\/newscenter\/?p=693962"},"modified":"2026-06-06T12:42:09","modified_gmt":"2026-06-06T16:42:09","slug":"how-to-feel-loved-five-mindsets-happiness-psychology-693962","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.rochester.edu\/newscenter\/how-to-feel-loved-five-mindsets-happiness-psychology-693962\/","title":{"rendered":"The secret to happiness? Feeling loved"},"content":{"rendered":"<div class=\"wp-embed\">\n<div class=\"wp-embed-wrap\"><iframe loading=\"lazy\" title=\"Ever Wonder: How Is AI Changing The Way We Love?\" width=\"1062\" height=\"597\" src=\"https:\/\/www.youtube.com\/embed\/V19-on7qPn8?feature=oembed\" frameborder=\"0\" allow=\"accelerometer; autoplay; clipboard-write; encrypted-media; gyroscope; picture-in-picture; web-share\" referrerpolicy=\"strict-origin-when-cross-origin\" allowfullscreen><\/iframe><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Two psychologists\u2014one a happiness researcher and the other a relationship expert\u2014say love isn\u2019t found. It\u2019s created, one mindset at a time.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":942,"featured_media":694032,"comment_status":"closed","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_acf_changed":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[41112,456],"tags":[18592,41792,20302,18572,13992,16072,41012],"class_list":["post-693962","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-from-the-magazine","category-society-culture","tag-department-of-psychology","tag-ever-wonder","tag-harry-reis","tag-research-finding","tag-rochester-review","tag-school-of-arts-and-sciences","tag-videos"],"acf":{"external":"","hide_featured_image":true,"related":"show_related","style":[627842,549422,435602],"content_modules":[{"acf_fc_layout":"text","anchor":"","css_class":"pt-15","title":"<h2>Two psychologists\u2014one a happiness researcher and the other a relationship expert\u2014say love isn\u2019t found. It\u2019s created, one mindset at a time.<\/h2>","content":"<img class=\"alignright wp-image-694002 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/www.rochester.edu\/newscenter\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/02\/book-cover-how-to-feel-loved.jpg\" alt=\"Book cover art for &quot;How to Feel Loved&quot; by Harry Reis and Sonja Lyubomirsky shows the title words in a cutout of a paper heart folded down the middle. \" width=\"350\" height=\"525\" \/>Once <a href=\"https:\/\/profiles.ucr.edu\/app\/home\/profile\/sonja\">Sonja Lyubomirsky<\/a>, a distinguished psychology professor at the University of California, Riverside, was asked on live TV what the secret to happiness was.\r\n\r\n\u201cIt\u2019s ridiculous, it\u2019s reductive, and it\u2019s restrictive,\u201d the happiness researcher recalls thinking. Worse, she didn\u2019t have an answer she really believed in.\r\n\r\nThat changed when Sonja met Harry.\r\n\r\n<a href=\"https:\/\/www.sas.rochester.edu\/psy\/people\/faculty\/reis_harry\/\">Harry Reis<\/a>, a professor of <a href=\"https:\/\/www.sas.rochester.edu\/psy\/index.html\">psychology<\/a> at the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.rochester.edu\/\">University of Rochester<\/a> and the Dean\u2019s Professor in Arts and Sciences, has studied social connections and <a href=\"https:\/\/compass.onlinelibrary.wiley.com\/doi\/10.1111\/spc3.12308\">close relationships<\/a> for many years. When Lyubomirsky told him the TV anecdote, Reis didn\u2019t offer a pat answer. Instead, he shared an observation: \u201cI do know people who are happy, and I know people who are unhappy, and I can tell you the main difference between them: Happy people feel loved.\u201d\r\n\r\nThat single sentence became the jumping-off point for their book, <a href=\"https:\/\/howtofeelloved.com\/\"><em>How to Feel Loved: The Five Mindsets That Get You More of What Matters Most<\/em><\/a> (Harper, 2026), which blends decades of research on happiness and human connection. Its thesis is both comforting and confrontational: If you don\u2019t feel loved, you might be looking in the wrong direction.\r\n<h3><strong>Do we know how to feel loved?<\/strong><\/h3>\r\nReis draws a distinction that many miss. People often focus their lives on <em>being<\/em> loved, but what\u2019s more important, he says, is <em>feeling<\/em> loved. The difference matters. \u201cMany of us are actually loved by other people, and yet we don\u2019t feel it,\u201d says Reis, who has spent the last five decades studying how close and <a href=\"https:\/\/pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov\/31414835\/\">romantic relationships work<\/a>.\r\n\r\nIt isn\u2019t that people have lost the capacity to recognize love or the absence of it. The problem, he argues, lies in the strategies people use to try to generate that feeling. For that feeling to take hold, three things must happen:\r\n\r\n<img class=\"alignright wp-image-705582\" src=\"https:\/\/www.rochester.edu\/newscenter\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/02\/love01FNL.jpeg\" alt=\"Nishant Choski illustration of two figures sitting atop a heart listening to each other. \" width=\"250\" height=\"286\" \/>\r\n<ul>\r\n \t<li>You reveal something real about yourself\u2014not a performance, but a glimpse of the real you.<\/li>\r\n \t<li><span style=\"font-size: 1.125rem;\">The other person listens with genuine interest.<\/span><\/li>\r\n \t<li><span style=\"font-size: 1.125rem;\">And, most crucially, the other person cares, responding in a way that makes what you\u2019ve shared matter.<\/span><\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\nMiss any one of these, and love remains present but unfelt.\r\n\r\n\u201cMany people believe that in order to feel love, they need to make themselves more lovable,\u201d Reis says\u2014by becoming more impressive, more attractive, more successful. While these strategies can be effective in the short term, they\u2019re more likely to create distance in the long term. The feeling people are after, he says, doesn\u2019t come from polishing the surface. Instead, the way to feel more loved is to build a loving connection with another person.\r\n\r\n[caption id=\"attachment_694012\" align=\"aligncenter\" width=\"2000\"]<img class=\"wp-image-694012 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/www.rochester.edu\/newscenter\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/02\/fea-how-to-feel-loved-author-2025-11-12_Harry_Reis_0527.jpg\" alt=\"Harry Reis with his arms crossed and reflected in the side of Meliora Hall.\" width=\"2000\" height=\"1200\" \/> <strong>ALL YOU NEED IS LOVE?<\/strong> When people feel loved, Harry Reis says, \u201cthey\u2019re happier and healthier. They\u2019re more productive. They\u2019re more successful in what they do.\u201d (University of Rochester photo \/ J. Adam Fenster)[\/caption]\r\n<h3><strong>The \u2018relationship sea-saw\u2019<\/strong><\/h3>\r\nTo explain how connection works, Reis and Lyubomirsky use what they call the \u201crelationship sea-saw.\u201d The spelling with its water allusion is intentional. The idea is that in our connections with others, it can seem as if we\u2019re sitting on a see-saw with part of us submerged under water\u2014hidden.\r\n\r\n\u201cWhen we lift up the other person, it\u2019s as if we lift them above the waterline,\u201d Reis explains. \u201cAll of a sudden, parts that were previously hidden are now visible.\u201d That act of paying attention and showing care creates momentum, which in turn encourages the other person to lift us up and above the imaginary water level.\r\n\r\nIn short, the way to begin to feel more love is to show more love to the other person, setting off a cycle of mutual responsiveness.\r\n\r\n[caption id=\"attachment_694142\" align=\"aligncenter\" width=\"1892\"]<img class=\"size-full wp-image-694142\" src=\"https:\/\/www.rochester.edu\/newscenter\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/02\/inline-how-to-feel-loved-Sea-Saw-Colorized_663h.jpg\" alt=\"Illustration about how to feel loved showing two see-saws, each with two hearts on them and submerged under water. The see-saw on the left is completely balanced with the tops of the hearts above water. The see-saw on the right shows one side tipped down and the other tipped up.\" width=\"1892\" height=\"663\" \/> <strong>NOW YOU SEE ME:<\/strong> The \u201crelationship sea-saw,\u201d a water-based metaphor devised by the researchers to illustrate how couples can build a loving connection with each other. (Illustration provided by Harry Reis)[\/caption]\r\n<h3><strong>Five mindsets, not five steps<\/strong><\/h3>\r\nThe book organizes that cycle into five mindsets\u2014not a checklist, but a way of approaching interaction.\r\n\r\nReis and his coauthor offer five mindsets, or ways of entering conversations with others (significant and otherwise), that make love more likely to land:<img class=\"wp-image-705622 alignright\" src=\"https:\/\/www.rochester.edu\/newscenter\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/02\/love03FNL.jpeg\" alt=\"Nishant Choksi illustration of a woman flying away with a balloon heart and reaching back for the male figure.\" width=\"400\" height=\"533\" \/>\r\n<ul>\r\n \t<li><strong>The Listening-to-Learn Mindset:<\/strong> Start by listening to the other person. Not to reply, but to understand. Put the phone away, make eye contact, ask open-ended questions, and paraphrase what you hear.<\/li>\r\n \t<li><strong>The Radical Curiosity Mindset:<\/strong> Be curious. Follow what lights up the other person. Go deeper. Interested, it turns out, is interesting.<\/li>\r\n \t<li><strong>The Open Heart Mindset:<\/strong> Lead with an open heart. Show the other person that you care about them, make room for difference, and let go of the need to be right.<\/li>\r\n \t<li><strong>The Multiplicity Mindset:<\/strong> See the whole person. Complexity and contradictions exist in all of us\u2014you, too. Recognize and accept them.<\/li>\r\n \t<li><strong>The Sharing Mindset:<\/strong> And then, when they reciprocate, share. Offer something true, with care and discretion.<\/li>\r\n<\/ul>\r\nTaken together, these mindsets create a dynamic back-and-forth that promotes real connection: one person lifts, the other rises; what was hidden becomes known. And then they switch roles, taking turns lifting and being lifted.\r\n\r\n\u201cIt\u2019s not like, okay, the next two minutes I\u2019ll do mindset number one,\u201d Reis says. \u201cIt\u2019s a mentality.\u201d\r\n<h3><strong>Attention in an age of screens<\/strong><\/h3>\r\nAll these ways of building connection depend on something increasingly scarce\u2014undivided attention. Even small distractions can erode it. In one study, simply having your cell phone\u2014untouched\u2014on the table made conversations less fulfilling.\r\n\r\n<img class=\"aligncenter wp-image-705592 size-full\" src=\"https:\/\/www.rochester.edu\/newscenter\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/02\/love04FNL.jpeg\" alt=\"Nishant Choksi illustration of a woman with hearts like butterfly wings springing from her arms as a man looks on.\" width=\"2362\" height=\"1575\" \/>\r\n\r\nWhy? \u201cWe\u2019re always looking to see what signal comes through,\u201d Reis explains. Even a glance can communicate absence. \u201cWhen I see your eyes glance down at your phone, I feel you\u2019re not 100 percent involved.\u201d The effect is magnified online, where people often multitask during Zoom conversations. \u201cYou can tell,\u201d Reis says, and the connection immediately thins.\r\n<h3><strong>Can AI make us feel loved?<\/strong><\/h3>\r\n<img class=\"alignright wp-image-705602\" src=\"https:\/\/www.rochester.edu\/newscenter\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/02\/love02FNLv3-scaled.jpeg\" alt=\"Nishant Choksi illustration of a couple chasing after a heart running around a corner.\" width=\"250\" height=\"217\" \/>\r\n\r\nAs artificial intelligence becomes ubiquitous and more conversational, some are turning to chatbots for connection. Reis understands the appeal. \u201cMany people rely on chatbots to fulfill their need for connection,\u201d he says. These chatbots are remarkably good at it, trained to express empathy and understanding.\r\n\r\nBut Reis draws a firm boundary. \u201cThe problem is that chatbots can\u2019t really love.\u201d An AI bot doesn\u2019t genuinely care about anything other than carrying out its program.\r\n\r\nTo explain why that matters, Reis turns to biology. \u201cIf you\u2019re really hungry and you have a candy bar, that will satiate your hunger for a time,\u201d he says. \u201cWill it provide nutrition? Provide long-term well-being? No.\u201d Chatbots, he argues, can offer short-term relief without the ingredients for long-term sustenance.\r\n\r\nThey also remove friction, which can become a human problem. Chatbot interactions are frequently one-sided. \u201cYou can do all the opening up,\u201d Reis says, \u201cand the chatbot will do all the empathic responding.\u201d Real relationships, by contrast, require reciprocity\u2014and discomfort. Real-life partners complain and make demands on you. Those human moments, Reis argues, are not flaws. Instead, they provide the seeds for relationships to grow.\r\n<h3><strong><img class=\"alignleft wp-image-705612\" src=\"https:\/\/www.rochester.edu\/newscenter\/wp-content\/uploads\/2026\/02\/love05FNL.jpeg\" alt=\"Nishant Choksi illustration of two people talking to each other, with half of a heart in lieu of each conversation bubble.\" width=\"250\" height=\"312\" \/>The choice that matters<\/strong><\/h3>\r\nWhat ultimately separates human love from its digital imitation is choice. What makes human love such a powerful experience, according to Reis, is the recognition that the other person is choosing to love us.\r\n\r\nAnd, when people feel loved, Reis says, \u201cthey\u2019re happier and healthier. They\u2019re more productive. They\u2019re more successful in what they do.\u201d","background_color":"#ffffff","width":"width-medium"},{"acf_fc_layout":"text","anchor":"","css_class":"pt-0","title":"","content":"<hr \/>\r\n\r\n<em>Illustrations by Nishant Choski, unless otherwise credited. Additional reporting by Sofia Tokar \u201920W.<\/em>\r\n\r\n<em>A version of this story appears in the spring 2026 issue of <\/em><a href=\"https:\/\/www.rochester.edu\/newscenter\/from-the-magazine\/\">Rochester Review<\/a><em>, the magazine of\u00a0the <a href=\"https:\/\/www.rochester.edu\">University of Rochester<\/a>. <\/em>","background_color":"#ffffff","width":"width-medium"}]},"yoast_head":"<!-- This site is optimized with the Yoast SEO plugin v28.4 - https:\/\/yoast.com\/product\/yoast-seo-wordpress\/ -->\n<title>The secret to happiness? 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