Supporting a Friend or Loved One

Someone I care about has been impacted by sexual misconduct, how can I best support or help them?

The emotional impact of abuse, harassment, or assault can be both immediate and long-lasting. A friend or loved one may confide in you 10 minutes or 10 years after experiencing sexual misconduct —whenever it happens, it can be a difficult and important conversation. The most helpful thing you can do to be supportive is to listen, let them lead the conversation, and direct them to professional resources. They may be experiencing any of a wide range of responses and/or emotions: there is no “typical” way to react to these types of experiences.

Strategies for helping:

DO –

• Believe – To assist in their healing process, simply start by telling them that you believe them. All too often they are not believed by friends, family, and systems, which increases harm.
• Listen – If someone chooses to disclose a traumatic experience to you, trust that they chose you for a reason. The most helpful thing you can do is listen to what they have to say. Listening can be as simple as being there as they process the situation on their own. Allow them to determine the pace and focus of the conversation. Don’t worry if you don’t feel like you know exactly what to say. It’s more important to make sure they feel heard, and that they can communicate with you without fear of judgment.
• Validate – Acknowledge their feelings of sadness, fear, anger, or confusion. Let them know that these feelings are normal. Be reassuring. Remind them that they are not at fault.
• Refer & Support – Be engaged, but patient. They should be given the space to make their own choices about what they want to do, including what resources they want to access. You do not have to have all of the answers, and it is not your responsibility to fix the problem or determine what occurred. An important part of being helpful to a friend or loved one is providing them with information about options and resources. It can be helpful to present options and then support them in reaching out. A good place to start is with resources available on and off campus.
• Take Care of Yourself – You may be experiencing many of your own emotions and thoughts, and it’s critical that you take care of yourself. This means knowing and expressing your own boundaries and limits in supporting someone and being aware of your own experiences.

AVOID –

• Asking questions that suggest blame, such as “why were you drinking?” or “why didn’t you get help sooner?”
• Question whether they are telling the truth.
• Sharing that you know what they are going through.
• Feeling as though you need to know all of the answers or have the exact right thing to say.
• Avoid judgmental questions or statements and avoid using labels that the person has not used to describe their experience.