We here at Three Percent clearly love Eurovison. To celebrate this year’s version of the World’s Greatest Music Competition we asked Latvian writer Janis Stirna to write a month-long series of articles about all the contestants. In our excitement to “get to the whale” (so to speak), we knew we wouldn’t have time to adequately translate his pieces, so we asked him to write in English, which he assured us wasn’t a problem. (Everyone in Latvia knows English, apparently.) His next post will be about more of the semi-finalists and will probably contain lots of videos . . . Enjoy!

Hello my friends.

Welcome to month of May, that of many things is also month of Eurovision! You are asking what is Eurovision? Why, Eurovision is only most important songgames contest in Europe and other countries You do not know are to exist either! In Eurovision times, is time for us to show whole world how many talent is we have (and sometimes how many awful is we have too—as example how we have no good musics, or how much dancing and how covered in buttocks our mens is or how much pretty and how covered in breasts our womens is—and how few clothings they all can wearing). Is also time for us to show all world fundamental approximations of European politics and what countries are best friends and what countries think what other countries should go to home of Devil Satan in wicker box with handle. Is true!

How is Eurovision contest working? Firstly, all countries play songgames in their motherlands for to choose what music to send to big songgames contest. Because Azerbaijan land was winning last year, Eurovision contest is this year in Baku. So then all countries this year play their songgames and are having their peoples voting, then take their country’s winner and say “Hello, Baku, we are to sending of ________ for big songgames contest!” And Baku say “Okay, motherland friends, we are welcoming of ________ to Baku and see You in end of May goodbye!”

Secondly and thirdly Baku is welcoming all countries that are participate in Eurovision and all peoples are watching semi-finals 1 and 2. In this year of 2012 will be participate 42 countries—is already 5 of countries, sometimes called “big countries” which are every year automatical in grand final because they are big and puffy-headed and are always best always, even when they have silly song or song that make You want for self-knifings in ear and eyes and sometimes arms. These are countries United Kingdom, Spain, Italy, Germany, France. Also winner from year previous is getting to be already in grand final with puffy-head lands. Is only making sense.

In semi-finals 1 and 2 and in grand final all peoples of all 42 countries are making voting on SMS. One may not voting for own motherland, but one may voting for all other countries. In all times one may voting on SMS 20 votings. I do not know what happening if voting for own motherland, maybe they finding You and making You for to sleep with angry pigs or drinking of strange poisons for example this liquid I have heard in stories Rootbeer. In stories it is brown and magic and tasting at same time of pig mud and sunshines and how childrens of Americas they love it. Pig mud?! How is they not poisoned?

Then comes grand finals times. So good times! Grand finals is taking 10 countries from semi-finals 1 and 10 countries from semi-finals 2 and 5 big puffy-head countries and also Baku and making of big Eurovision songgames times. All grand finals countries are singing once more and hoping for peoples to make voting for them on SMS. Votings are then make by every 42 motherlands playing 2012 Eurovision songgames and giving points of 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and then 10 and 12 for specified motherland favorite. Is also Jury making votings, but no peoples are caring. Sorry Jury! At end, country with most votings of peoples is winning—and then Eurovision songgames contest of following year is in country of winning. Then we are starting songgames processing from all beginning once more! My country Latvia was winning in year 2002 with Marija Naumova, who has been taking off of clothings but also having a voice. A voice of strong winning!!

You are now maybe understanding more on Eurovision?? Hoping?? Next time I bring You talks of motherland songgames music for Baku 2012 year. I am to writing things of each country until semi-finals times! I have hoping You will come back to take part of reading??

So let us be friending and watching Eurovision times together! So much musics!! I am very excite!!!!