6 December 12 | Chad W. Post

The number one question I’m asked by people interested in Open Letter/publishing is how we find our books. We do a lot of reading of catalogs and reviews online, talking to people, getting recommendations, and, most importantly, receiving submissions over the interwebs. Well, like this one:

Subject: QUERY Its All About Me (Said Sarcastically)

Its All About Me (Said Sarcastically)

I am a volunteer at a center and this not making any money. I need money because I have two grand children. I am aquatinted with publishing books because I have writ seven and published, so far three. I need to get with a publishing organization who will not only print my new book but also send me out on book signing and speaking tours around the world.

The latest book I am interested in getting out in the market place has the working title, I Me Me Mine, I think browed from the Beatles 60’s group. The text is essays, fiction and poems which are acquitted with my life. Many humorous, all interesting, I am willing to work with the company who sends me to speaking and autograph sessions. I am also willing to get on any radio and television show who uses authors to make interesting, intelligent shows.

If you are interested in helping me to both of our benefits please email XXXX.

What I am sending are a few poems (light verse, mostly) of which I have sufficient amount to make up a complete book. I also have fictions and essays which are on the subject of me. I see this endeavor not as an ego boost (my ego is breath, just ask my wife) but more as an autobiography. (see what I mean about healthy ego)

But I think these poems stand on their own and if you are interested in the essays and fiction (fiction bio!) I will be happy to send them.

I await to hear if you are interested to haver me get out the selling the book as long as they are still making books and see the authors.

Thank you.

“I await to hear if you are interested to haver me get out the selling the book as long as they are still making books and see the authors.”??? Oh my, yes.

When we got this, I joked about posting it so that people could share in the publishing experience. Well, after today’s message, I really couldn’t resist. This is what I literally just received from the EXACT SAME PERSON:

Short Essays Query

I am a retired man who does volunteer work (as noted in one of the enclose essays below.This gives me time to write (after thinking) and edit (with more thinking) essays.
I am the author of three published books but being a volunteer that leaves me more time to sit around watching Television , which really annoys my wife (because I do not enjoy her shows. Its Comedy verses repetitious crime dramas. So I write. I think and write.

I also enjoy traveling. This is a hope enough information to tell you that I am an accomplished author with a new, interesting book to publish and go to give speeches and autographs.

Now, my first there books were fairly topic specific. If the reader was not interested in the topic I will agree that reading would get boring.

My first book was “A Jewish Appraisal Of Dialogue” the title very specific and explanatory. Next came “Midrash And Working Out Of The Book,”
also specific and explanatory. Third was Shards And Verses.

Now, I bet you saw I was working up to this, I have a book which continues 87 relatively short, essays, from one to four pages. They range a great distance as suggested by the titles. Consider these three: God, Thoughts Of Dogs And Of Cats, and Raspberries.

I have included the Table Of Contents to show the extent of the thoughts (and the excellence of sticking to the topic, and authoring good thoughts.)

This book is ready to go, edited and thought through, as I am ready to go on speaking and signing tours where ever you send me.

So, I am are you demise that I have no money to pay publishing but I have the thought that people enjoy seeing live authors so I am absolutely willing to go sell the book to make you and me money.

That’s the whole truth.

Thank you

These typos—and the innumerable references to thinking about how he’s thinking about thinking thoughtfully—are fricking brilliant. But not as gamechangingly awesome as this one:

Walnuts

What can I say about walnuts except they are tasty and dry.

Ok, now that I have said that I say goodbye

But oh no here is another thought.

Walnuts are not nuts but lagoons so while they re not nuts you are able to throw at a wall

I am sure they are lagoons you can throw at your sister but if you are luckily enough not to have a sister you can throw them at my sister.

Walnuts

So there you have it.

Particularly awesome since walnuts AREN’T legumes.

And yes, we’re totally publishing this. Who wouldn’t want to read a book with essay titles like “Please Stop Tapping Me On The Head” and “The Word Ass”?

tags: ,

Comments are disabled for this article.
....
Astragal
Astragal by Albertine Sarrazin
Reviewed by Tiffany Nichols

Upon completing Albertine Sarrazin’s Astragal I was left to wonder why it ever fell from print. Aside from the location, Astragal could pass as the great American novel. Its edginess and rawness capture the angst and desires we all had. . .

Read More >

Live Bait
Live Bait by Fabio Genovesi
Reviewed by Megan Berkobien

When my eyes first crossed the back cover of Fabio Genovesi’s novel Live Bait, I was caught by a blurb nestled between accolades, a few words from a reviewer for La Repubblica stating that the novel was, however magically, “[b]eyond. . .

Read More >

The Skin
The Skin by Curzio Malaparte
Reviewed by Peter Biello

“I preferred the war to the plague,” writes Curzio Malaparte in his 1949 novel, The Skin. He speaks of World War II and the destruction it has wrought on Italy, the city of Naples in particular. But the plague he. . .

Read More >

Love Sonnets & Elegies
Love Sonnets & Elegies by Louise Labé
Reviewed by Brandy Harrison

With the steady rise of feminist scholarship and criticism in recent decades, it is little wonder that the work of Louise Labé should be attracting, as Richard Sieburth tells us in the Afterword to his translation, a “wide and thriving”. . .

Read More >

Conversations
Conversations by César Aira
Reviewed by Tiffany Nichols

In Conversations, we find ourselves again in the protagonist’s conscious and subconscious, which is mostly likely that of Mr. César Aira and consistent with prototypical Aira style. This style never fails because each time Aira is able to develop a. . .

Read More >

Nothing Ever Happens
Nothing Ever Happens by José Ovejero
Reviewed by Juan Carlos Postigo

You are not ashamed of what you do, but of what they see you do. Without realizing it, life can be an accumulation of secrets that permeates every last minute of our routine . . .

The narrative history of. . .

Read More >

The Pendragon Legend
The Pendragon Legend by Antal Szerb
Reviewed by P. T. Smith

Literature in translation often comes with a certain pedigree. In this little corner of the world, with so few books making it into this comforting nook, it is often those of the highest quality that cross through, and attention is. . .

Read More >

Mr. Gwyn
Mr. Gwyn by Alessandro Baricco
Reviewed by Paul Doyle

Alessandro Baricco’s Mr. Gwyn is a set of two loosely interlinked novellas that play with narrative and the construction of character. Ably translated by Ann Goldstein, Mr. Gwyn plays some subtle metafictional games as Baricco delves into what it means. . .

Read More >

Bombay Stories
Bombay Stories by Saadat Hasan Manto
Reviewed by Will Eells

I must admit upfront that I went into reading Saadat Hasan Manto’s Bombay Stories almost entirely blind. I have not read Salman Rushdie. I have read, perhaps, two short stories by Jhumpa Lahiri. I might shamefully add that I really. . .

Read More >

The Gray Notebook
The Gray Notebook by Joseph Pla
Reviewed by Christopher Iacono

Throughout his work The Gray Notebook, Josep Pla mentions many different authors, some of whom have inspired him to pick up a pen. One of them is Marcel Proust. Even though Pla normally prefers nonfiction, he lauds the French novelist. . .

Read More >

The next few events from our Translation Events Calendar: See More Events >