24 May 12 | Chad W. Post

The second Eurovision semi-finals kick off in less than an hour, by which time I was hoping to have posted another set of overviews and predictions from Janis Stirna, our Eurovision correspondent. Unfortunately, Janis went dark after it was announced on Tuesday that Latvia DIDN’T make it to the finals. (Which, is bullshit, although Anmary & Co. did look like a bunch of Eastern European cougars out on the prowl.) After a bit of begging—the things I’ll do for this website—I managed to get Janis to give us one last, final last send off post. Goodbye Janis, we hardly knew ye!

Hello my friends.

I am unfortunate very very sorrowful this day. Sorrowful and maybe a little with a headachings. If You have been watching Eurovision songgames semi-final 1 yesterday, You maybe are knowing that my motherland Latvia has not been making it to Eurovision songgames finals for to be on Saturday.

No, I am not very sorrowful. I am very OUTRAGE. Why for is motherlands like Albania with screaming of the chalk and also even Russian matryoshka Omas are making it to finals, but Latvia with good voice sounds and shiny dresses is not making it anywhere? EMBARRASSMENT AND DISHONOR! Yes yes I am for to know and understand Eurovision songgames is not complete seriousness, but I am not able but to help feeling upset at results of making votings. If You, my friends, could see my face, it is a face of frowning. Frowning and outrage. At least is some satisfying in knowledge that woki popo boys of Austria and San Marino with crazy eyes woman are also not for to perform in finals. That is what you are getting for being fail and horrid.

AND WHY FOR IS LATVIA NO MORE IN SONGGAMES! Outrage! Again! Oh, and if peoples of Europe are thinking Latvia is no good for Eurovision songgames, I will show just how good other motherland songs will also not be, oh yes, permit me to be showing You what semi-finals 2 results should be making because it is clear now anyone can be expert in making of big decisions for things such like songgames.

Serbia: I am sleeping already from piano. NO-VOTE.

FYR Macedonia: Is Cher without Sonny. NO-VOTE.

Netherlands: Too many birds have been being killed for fancy hats. NO-VOTE.

Malta: Is like Ross from show “Friends” but is having so few friends in video. Friends who did not make voting for Latvia. NO-VOTE.

Belarus: I am not needing to explain why for NO-VOTE.

Portugal: Oh look I am sleeping once more. NO-VOTE.

Ukraine: Should probably be winning Eurovision songgames 2012. But anyway NO-VOTE.

Bulgaria: Eurovision is no place for musical of high schools. NO-VOTE.

Slovenia: Overly many things on heads. NO-VOTE.

Croatia: Is only enough spaces in earth for one Celine Dion. NO-VOTE.

Sweden: Where for is her face and eyes and why for all the moving? NO-VOTE.

Georgia: Why for? No really, WHY FOR. NO-VOTE.

Turkey: Little boy is needing all instruments in Turkey for to make one song. Overachieve. NO-VOTE.

Estonia: Thank You for the pleasantries nap again. NO-VOTE.

Slovakia: What for in the naming of every thing what is holy. ALL NO-VOTES ALL TIMES.

Norway: Is preparation for culttimes? Will we be having for to drink juices? NO-VOTE.

Bosnia-Herzegovina: Why for is piano in metallurgy shop? NO-VOTE.

Lithuania: Oh good, Lithuania has been finding Michael Jackson replacer. What for is world coming to. NO-VOTE.

Eurovision songgames has been breaking my spirits and soul. And remainder of world is still not understanding Europe. Are we always still wondering why?

Thank You for listening, friends. I will perhaps be going and crying some time now.


Comments are disabled for this article.
....
All Days Are Night
All Days Are Night by Peter Stamm
Reviewed by Lori Feathers

As presaged by its title, contradiction is the theme of Peter Stamm’s novel, All Days Are Night. Gillian, a well-known television personality, remains unknowable to herself. And Hubert, a frustrated artist and Gillian’s lover, creates art through the process of. . .

Read More >

The Seven Good Years
The Seven Good Years by Etgar Keret
Reviewed by Vincent Francone

It’s a rare and wonderful book that begins and ends with violence and humor. At the start of Etgar Keret’s The Seven Good Years, Keret is in a hospital waiting for the birth of his first child while nurses, in. . .

Read More >

Human Acts
Human Acts by Han Kang
Reviewed by J.C. Sutcliffe

Last year, Han Kang’s The Vegetarian was an unexpected critical hit. Now, it’s just been published in the U.S. and has already received a great deal of positive critical attention. The Vegetarian was a bold book to attempt as an. . .

Read More >

Nowhere to Be Found
Nowhere to Be Found by Bae Suah
Reviewed by Pierce Alquist

It’s been almost a year since the publication of Nowhere to Be Found by Bae Suah, but despite being included on the 2015 PEN Translation award longlist, and some pretty vocal support from key indie presses, the book has. . .

Read More >

La paz de los vencidos
La paz de los vencidos by Jorge Eduardo Benavides
Reviewed by Brendan Riley

Jorge Eduardo Benavides’ novel La paz de los vencidos (The Peace of the Defeated) takes the form of a diary written by a nameless Peruvian thirty-something intellectual slumming it in Santa Cruz de Tenerife in Spain’s Canary Islands. Recently relocated. . .

Read More >

Souffles-Anfas: A Critical Anthology
Souffles-Anfas: A Critical Anthology by Various
Reviewed by Emma Ramadan

Anyone with any interest at all in contemporary Moroccan writing must start with Souffles. A cultural and political journal, Souffles (the French word for “breaths”) was founded in 1966 by Abdellatif Laâbi and Mostafa Nissabouri. Run by a group of. . .

Read More >

Berlin
Berlin by Aleš Šteger
Reviewed by Vincent Francone

Randall Jarrell once argued a point that I will now paraphrase and, in doing so, over-simplify: As a culture, we need book criticism, not book reviews. I sort of agree, but let’s not get into all of that. Having finished. . .

Read More >

The Gun
The Gun by Fuminori Nakamura
Reviewed by Will Eells

Like any good potboiler worth its salt, Fuminori Nakamura’s The Gun wastes no time setting up its premise: “Last night, I found a gun. Or you could say I stole it, I’m not really sure. I’ve never seen something so. . .

Read More >

This Place Holds No Fear
This Place Holds No Fear by Monika Held
Reviewed by Lori Feathers

Heiner Resseck, the protagonist in Monika Held’s thought-provoking, first novel, This Place Holds No Fear, intentionally re-lives his past every hour of every day. His memories are his treasures, more dear than the present or future. What wonderful past eclipses. . .

Read More >

The Room
The Room by Jonas Karlsson
Reviewed by Peter Biello

If you’ve ever worked in a corporate office, you’ve likely heard the phrase, “Perception is reality.” To Björn, the office worker who narrates Jonas Karlsson’s novel The Room, the reality is simple: there’s a door near the bathroom that leads. . .

Read More >

The next few events from our Translation Events Calendar: See More Events >