24 May 12 | Chad W. Post

The second Eurovision semi-finals kick off in less than an hour, by which time I was hoping to have posted another set of overviews and predictions from Janis Stirna, our Eurovision correspondent. Unfortunately, Janis went dark after it was announced on Tuesday that Latvia DIDN’T make it to the finals. (Which, is bullshit, although Anmary & Co. did look like a bunch of Eastern European cougars out on the prowl.) After a bit of begging—the things I’ll do for this website—I managed to get Janis to give us one last, final last send off post. Goodbye Janis, we hardly knew ye!

Hello my friends.

I am unfortunate very very sorrowful this day. Sorrowful and maybe a little with a headachings. If You have been watching Eurovision songgames semi-final 1 yesterday, You maybe are knowing that my motherland Latvia has not been making it to Eurovision songgames finals for to be on Saturday.

No, I am not very sorrowful. I am very OUTRAGE. Why for is motherlands like Albania with screaming of the chalk and also even Russian matryoshka Omas are making it to finals, but Latvia with good voice sounds and shiny dresses is not making it anywhere? EMBARRASSMENT AND DISHONOR! Yes yes I am for to know and understand Eurovision songgames is not complete seriousness, but I am not able but to help feeling upset at results of making votings. If You, my friends, could see my face, it is a face of frowning. Frowning and outrage. At least is some satisfying in knowledge that woki popo boys of Austria and San Marino with crazy eyes woman are also not for to perform in finals. That is what you are getting for being fail and horrid.

AND WHY FOR IS LATVIA NO MORE IN SONGGAMES! Outrage! Again! Oh, and if peoples of Europe are thinking Latvia is no good for Eurovision songgames, I will show just how good other motherland songs will also not be, oh yes, permit me to be showing You what semi-finals 2 results should be making because it is clear now anyone can be expert in making of big decisions for things such like songgames.

Serbia: I am sleeping already from piano. NO-VOTE.

FYR Macedonia: Is Cher without Sonny. NO-VOTE.

Netherlands: Too many birds have been being killed for fancy hats. NO-VOTE.

Malta: Is like Ross from show “Friends” but is having so few friends in video. Friends who did not make voting for Latvia. NO-VOTE.

Belarus: I am not needing to explain why for NO-VOTE.

Portugal: Oh look I am sleeping once more. NO-VOTE.

Ukraine: Should probably be winning Eurovision songgames 2012. But anyway NO-VOTE.

Bulgaria: Eurovision is no place for musical of high schools. NO-VOTE.

Slovenia: Overly many things on heads. NO-VOTE.

Croatia: Is only enough spaces in earth for one Celine Dion. NO-VOTE.

Sweden: Where for is her face and eyes and why for all the moving? NO-VOTE.

Georgia: Why for? No really, WHY FOR. NO-VOTE.

Turkey: Little boy is needing all instruments in Turkey for to make one song. Overachieve. NO-VOTE.

Estonia: Thank You for the pleasantries nap again. NO-VOTE.

Slovakia: What for in the naming of every thing what is holy. ALL NO-VOTES ALL TIMES.

Norway: Is preparation for culttimes? Will we be having for to drink juices? NO-VOTE.

Bosnia-Herzegovina: Why for is piano in metallurgy shop? NO-VOTE.

Lithuania: Oh good, Lithuania has been finding Michael Jackson replacer. What for is world coming to. NO-VOTE.

Eurovision songgames has been breaking my spirits and soul. And remainder of world is still not understanding Europe. Are we always still wondering why?

Thank You for listening, friends. I will perhaps be going and crying some time now.


Comments are disabled for this article.
....
The Subsidiary
The Subsidiary by Matías Celedón
Reviewed by Vincent Francone

The biggest issues with books like The Subsidiary often have to do with their underpinnings—when we learn that Georges Perec wrote La Disparition without once using the letter E, we are impressed. Imagine such a task! It takes a high. . .

Read More >

Thus Bad Begins
Thus Bad Begins by Javier Marías
Reviewed by Kristel Thornell

Following The Infatuations, Javier Marías’s latest novel seems, like those that have preceded it, an experiment to test fiction’s capacity to mesmerize with sombre-sexy atmospheres and ruminative elongated sentences stretched across windowless walls of paragraphs. Thus Bad Begins offers his. . .

Read More >

Death by Water
Death by Water by Kenzaburo Oe
Reviewed by Will Eells

Death by Water, Kenzaburo Oe’s latest novel to be translated into English, practically begs you to read it as autobiography. Like The Changeling, as well as many other works not yet released in English, Death by Water is narrated in. . .

Read More >

Twenty-One Cardinals
Twenty-One Cardinals by Jocelyne Saucier
Reviewed by Natalya Tausanovitch

Jocelyne Saucier’s Twenty-One Cardinals is about the type of unique, indestructible, and often tragic loyalty only found in families. For a brief but stunningly mesmerizing 169 pages, Twenty-One Cardinals invited me in to the haunting and intimate world of the. . .

Read More >

One of Us Is Sleeping
One of Us Is Sleeping by Josefine Klougart
Reviewed by Jeremy Garber

We know so very little; so little that what we think to be knowledge is hardly worth reckoning with at all; instead we ought to settle for being pleasantly surprised if, on the edge of things, against all expectations, our. . .

Read More >

Bye Bye Blondie
Bye Bye Blondie by Virginie Despentes
Reviewed by Emma Ramadan

Many of Virginie Despentes’s books revolve around the same central idea: “To be born a woman [is] the worst fate in practically every society.” But this message is nearly always packaged in easy-to-read books that fill you with the pleasure. . .

Read More >

La Superba
La Superba by Ilja Leonard Pfeijffer
Reviewed by Anna Alden

Ilja Leonard Pfeijffer’s La Superba is appropriately titled after the Italian city of Genoa, where, after escaping the pressures of fame in his own country, the semi-autobiographical narrator finds himself cataloguing the experiences of its mesmerizing inhabitants with the intention. . .

Read More >

Intervenir/Intervene
Intervenir/Intervene by Dolores Dorantes; Rodrigo Flores Sánchez
Reviewed by Vincent Francone

It took reading 44 pages of Intervenir/Intervene before I began to get a sense of what Dolores Dorantes and Rodrigo Flores Sánchez were up to. Recurring throughout these 44 pages—throughout the entire book—are shovels, shovel smacks to the face, lobelias—aha!. . .

Read More >

All Days Are Night
All Days Are Night by Peter Stamm
Reviewed by Lori Feathers

As presaged by its title, contradiction is the theme of Peter Stamm’s novel, All Days Are Night. Gillian, a well-known television personality, remains unknowable to herself. And Hubert, a frustrated artist and Gillian’s lover, creates art through the process of. . .

Read More >

The Seven Good Years
The Seven Good Years by Etgar Keret
Reviewed by Vincent Francone

It’s a rare and wonderful book that begins and ends with violence and humor. At the start of Etgar Keret’s The Seven Good Years, Keret is in a hospital waiting for the birth of his first child while nurses, in. . .

Read More >